Thursday, August 20, 2009

Bag Lady by Erikah Badu

"Bag lady you gon hurt your back
Dragging all them bags like that
I guess nobody ever told you
All you must hold on to
Is you, is you, is you"

I love music ya'll. But this is somewhat of a generic expression. There is no-one in the world that can say they don't like music. It is one of those things that is in everyone's "Interests" box (and I checked yours and its so there).

I am a fan of all genres, except seriously heavy metal and contemporary jazz. I can't stand the unmelodic shoop de boob boobity boob poop ba dow. It's apparenty called scat. It's sounds like a term that should be used to describe cat feaces. The cat scat on the mat.
Seriously, buy a tune.

So the title of this blog is one of the songs that made me fall in love with Ms Erykah Badu. She are a badass! She is a cool, cultured, and educated female from "the streets". She dated the antithesis of an oil painting Andre 3000 way back and then upgraded to that delicious tall glass of chocolate milk Common. Hmmm...
But he is seeing Miss Serena W. now so ja... :-(

But back to the song. Bag Lady is a catchy little ditty about how you need to let go of your issues because what happens to you, and specifically in a relationship does not have to define you. Having recently come out of a relationship I can relate on so many levels to the words. The lyrics are seemingly simple, yet the messages behind them are quite complex. I thought about this when I was recently chatting to my friend on gchat. We had made a date to talk on Skype (who sucks ass b.t.w. since it didn't want to work), and I told her that she may be a bit surprised by my appearance (understatement warning):

"ja, but I picked up a lot of "relationship" weight
I have baggage
extra junk in my trunk

The LOLs were real then, now its like they are mocking me because when I wrote it I didn't realise how true they were on an emotional/psychological level and not just a physical one. It's weird how the most profound things come out of your mouth when your actually just trying to be funny or attempting to be a smart ass.

Lupe the Fiasco dot blogspot dot com...WHY?!!!

So if you've never heard of the rapper Lupe Fiasco, its ok. Until a few months ago neither did I. But OMG he is so DOPE!!! Yes, this is the blog where I will be pretending I grew up on the mean streets of Brooklyn, NY. At least I think they mean. That's what I heard...ya know, on the down low. The DL. I gots the 411. While I was hustlin' on the corner. (And by hustling I mean selling narcotics, not my body.) Ok, I'm losing my train of thought.
Whatever, I'm going with it.

So last night my flatmate had a dinner party. I know!
Tres grownup no?!! I didn't do anything (it wasn't MY party) but did enjoy some fine dining. Hmm, home-made chicken chow mein. So we had an Islamic lady at the party, and she was telling us the story of when she got married and how her grandmother came the next day to "collect the laundry" (they check the honeymoon sheets for blood to confirm the girl was a virgin) and was surprised when her granddaughter's hair was not washed (everytime a muslim woman has sex she must wash her hair afterwards).

I was like "Imagine I was muslim growing up. Everytime my mom washed her hair....EW!!!!"

So ja, Lupe Fiasco. Isn't that name just so awesome?! It's almost as cool as Captain Steel, but he would be Captain Steel's arch-nemesis. I see him as the gangsta H.N.I.C. (if you don't know what that stands for you are sooo not gangsta.) with his finger in every pie, using his super-powers for creating mayhem wreaking havoc over the city. Come on people! Somebody that can draw bring life to this most genius of visions!!!

I digress, again. You people should listen to this man's music. Here is a piece of my fave line from my fave song, Gold Watch:
"I am American mentally with Japanese tendencies
Parisian sensibilities so stay out the vicinity of..."
I mean, that is just...WOW!

One song that really sticks out for me is where he deals with the boy soldiers in Central Africa, but starts it off with a look at how guns are misused by youth around the world. "Little Weapon" is political/social commentary music at its most blatantly subtle.

Little Terry got a gun, he got from the store,
He bought it with the money he got from his chores,
He robbed candy shop told her lay down on the floor,
Put the cookies in his bag took the pennies out the drawer.

Little Kalil got a gun he got from the rebels,
To kill the infidels and American devils,
A bomb on his waist,
A mask on his face,
Prays five times a day,
And listens to Heavy Metal.

Little Alex got a gun he took from his dad,
That he snuck into school in his black book bag,
His black nail polish, black boots and black hair,
He's gonna blow away the bully that just pushed his ass...

[Lupe Fiasco]
I killed another man today,
Shot him in his back as he ran away,
Then I blew up his hut with a hand grenade,
Cut his wife's throat as she put her hands to pray,
Just five more dawgs then we can get a soccer ball,
That's what my commander say,
How Old?
Well I'm like ten, eleven, been fighting since I was like six or seven,
Now I don't know much about where I'm from but I know I strike fear everywhere I come,
Government want me dead so I wear my gun, I really want the rocket launcher but I'm still too young,
This candy give me courage not to fear no one,
To fear no pain, and hear no tongue,
So I hear no screams and I shed no tear,
If I'm in your dreams then your end is near.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

You're kidding, right?!

Sorry I've been lazy lately, I know you feeling neglected and unloved my dear, sweet blog. Unfortunately I was a bit sick (check out Sid's blog about Friday night, times that by two and you'll know why). But I'm all better now and mommy will never ever leave you again!

So I'm all sick yesterday and I'm checking my e-mails from home. Obviously I didn't open any attachments, I mean, that's what work internet is for. Duh!
So today I'm back in the office and as everyone knows checking your personal e-mail is always top priority when you are at work, and lo and behold my cousin has sent me one of those chinese proverb powerpoint presentation thingies. It's all about how money can buy you this but it won't get you that. You know, the usual "love vs. money, don't be a capitalist" communist propaganda that you have to forward to at least 20 people or your life will turn to shit and do you really want to take that chance because someone actually ignored this mail and the next day had an accidental castration while going to remove his tonsils. No Bullshit.

Ooh, Ipod is playing use somebody by kings of leon. Love that voice!!!

So the powerpoint thingy, and this is where it gets funny peeps. I totally burst out laughing. Check out the print screen. I did not make this up, if you like I will forward it to you.

Like are you fucking serious?! There are some way deep Chino-Nordic(?) people in the world yo! If ever there was a time to hit delete it should have been here. But no, millions of dumbasses around the world have forwarded this to people they think need some enlightenment. Firstly, sending shit like this makes an inference on the person you sending it to. I personally don't need Jesus, I know I am a good woman, I am not giving money to a dying baby that has been the same age for the last 4 years, I already don't buy perfume in a parking lot and I'm not afraid of the person I love not calling me within 20min and then ending up alone for the rest of my life.

I wish I could get all insulted and self-righteous everytime someone sends me this shit, but then I have to remember that they got it from somebody else and did not have the presence of mind to think "What exactly is this ho tryin to say?!!" and probably would not get why my reply would be laden with sarcasm and disdane because "I thought it was so poignant and beautiful".

Death to the Forward button!!! You suck.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Lost in gchat translation

Actual conversation between me and Sid today.

me: is it wrong to use work broadband or whatever to download a big folder of music?

its only like 70MB

I mean, it could have been much worse

Sid: i'm using it now to download music

me: lol

me too

Sid: but not 70MB? how many songs is that?

me: like 14

its zipped

Sid: well Roy did say that they were looking for ppl who were abusing the net

if you're willing to take the risk ...

me: when did he say this?

Sid: last week friday

me: and he knows this how?

Sid: apparently they told him

me: LOL

Sid: not sure how true this is

me: I think he was downloading porn


they spoke to him, privately

Sid: hey that's MY MAN you're talking about there

me: they looking for "people" who are "abusing" the "internet"


Sid: you know what i meant


me: I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing at me!


best use of " ever!!!

just say it out loud using the ""

Sid: ?

me: nevermind

Ges you had to be there

was so funny

Sid: yeah paris hilton

oh i mean phoenix

ooops my bad

me: LOL

me: I'm putting this conversation in my blog

it's gold

Sid: which part of your convo?

Sid: oh great now someone is documenting MY life

me: LOL

Sent at 15:37 on Friday

(5 minutes later)

Sid: lol
I get it now
I finally get the ""
me: I have to add this now

And if you don't get why this is funny, you don't deserve the ability to read and infer meaning from words.

PS: In case you were wondering, they didn't catch me. :-D

Thursday, August 6, 2009

So THAT was weird!!!

Last night I went to bed kinda late. And then I played Vortex on my Ipod for half an hour before falling asleep. Now I don't know if its because I was talking about marine worm identification with someone yesterday, or the fact that my mom's dog had puppies yesterday morning and my neice (5 yrs old) called me at 6 (I only wake up at 7:30) to tell me but last nights dream was rather...

Hmm, I don't know how to describe it in one word. Am I unworthy of blog?!!

So it starts with me moving into this huge house. Now I've been trying to save up for a deposit on a house for a while now and doing research on home loans, and in my dream this is now my house. Whoop whoop for me!!!

Anyways, me and the familia are unpacking boxes and still carrying stuff into the house. But for some strange reason I never see them, I just know they are there. I go outside to get another box to take into the house and there is this huge dark chocolatey mottled Scooby Doo dog outside. I love dogs, and I'm not scared of them at all even though I almost lost my right thumb in a dog biting incident when I was 4. So I go up to the dog and start playing with him and scratching his head. He puts his fore paws on my shoulders, and now we are the same height. And this is where the dream just went to shit julle. These spiky worm looking things fall from the dog onto my thighs (I'm wearing shorts, don't ask me why). And as I try to brush them off they start sinking into my skin.
I know, like WTF!!!

So they disappear under my skin, and I call my mother but she doesn't hear me. She's a nurse so she would probably know what the fuck just happened. The dog disappears, obviously satisfied that he has done his job of infecting me with whatever, and I make my way back into the house to find my mother. Then I feel this funny feeling in my legs. These worm things are moving under my skin. I can see and feel it! First they move up, and this is where I have a moment like that scene from Evolution where Orlando Jones has to decide between saving his balls or his leg. "Take the leg, take the leg!"

But then the worm things start moving down. Now they ar moving from my right to my left leg towards my left foot. And this is when I realise they were working on their exit strategy and have decided that the best place to leave is that space between your big toe and your other toe (on your hand its your forefinger, so I guess its your foretoe?)

Ok, so I'm feeling kinda relieved cos the worm things are leaving. Only its not worms that are coming out, its really big black fly thingies now. But they are relatively soft so I'm squishing them as they come out and I'm still calling for my mother and she is still not coming. Then my alarm went off and I woke up, feeling a little freaked out but mostly pissed cos my mom didn't pitch and I still don't know what the hell those things were.

PS: for those with a penchant for the mystical, take a stab at deciphering my dream. I'd love to hear what you think it might mean.

Monday, August 3, 2009

What’s in a name?

I’ve been in KwaZulu-Natal for the last five days. Was ok. Not too exciting. Went there for work, and used the opportunity to go and visit my TOTALLY you-know-that-word-that-people-use-to-describe-a-family-that’s-not-so-lekker-but-I-just-can’t-think-of-it-right-now family. (Everyone is going to put it in their comment. I can see it now, and I thank you in advance. What is that damn word?!!!)

Anyways, I flew back this afternoon and guess what the pilot’s name was…

Captain Steel.

Like. Oh. My. GAWD.

That has got to be the coolest name in the history of aviation.

“Good afternoon ladies and gentleman. Your pilot today is Captain Steel.”

I was like “What did just say?!” It sounds like a friggin super hero is flying the plane, and you know that shit makes you feel safe and cool for no reason other than it sounds cool. That man must be drowning in the puntang.

“Hey Susie, meet my friend. Captain Steel.” (Simultaneously swooning and panty creaming.)

I can see it now, the Captain Steel comic series. He is the pilot that saves the day from impending doom, always there when you need him.

“Oh no, the landing gear won’t lock.” (Scared voice of obviously ill equipped pilot.)

“Don’t worry! I, Captain Steel shall land the plane.” (In big booming superhero voice. Feel the bass.)

Please someone take these lines and draw a comic to go with it. This I need to see.