Thursday, October 25, 2012

The controllable crush

I have a theory that if you like someone but know they are out of bounds, and can be around them without constantly making Freudian slips you have what I like to call a controllable crush.

Examples of controllable crushes include:
  • The hot guy at the coffee shop that makes your coffee just the way you like it. (Is it just right cos he made it, or is it made really well and that's why you like him? Cue Twilight Zone theme song)
  • your friend's hot brother who sees you as an extension of his sister, and so therefore treats you like a sister (this is the female equivalent to the male friend-zone trap).
  • your gym trainer because he is your trainer and obviously physically qualified to be one, but he sees and smells your sweat on a regular basis. Not a good look.
  • The hot but unemployed guy who either wants to start or manage a band, and he is 30. He is a beautiful dreamer, who is unemployed. This guy is not so much out of bounds as he is a waste of your child bearing years - but who cares, he is fooiiine. But still, unemployed.
All of them seem like bad ideas. Scratch that, you know they are bad ideas. But what are we sighted people to do?! Irrespective of a person's situation if they were hot enough you know, deep down inside, you would literally jump at the opportunity to do in-depth research on their tonsils.

One thing I think controllable crushes are good for is that they make you pay attention to how you look, all the time. Don't deny it. Going to see a crush makes you take that extra 5min to get dressed and put on eyeliner. Even if you are hellbent on never ever making a move, a little cleavage here and there doesn't hurt. You turn your controllable crush into a power game, by taking control of the game you tip the scales and thus turn yourself into someone else's controllable crush. This in turn creates a world filled with frustrated people all pretending that everything is all platonic and that they don't think Mad Phoenix is cute when you know you were checking out my ass dude!

All I'm saying is if you think I'm hot just say so. I promise not to get you fired.

Friday, February 10, 2012

I wanna look shaxy

I've been eating "well" for the last 3 years. I have lost and gained 5 kg over and over again. This time its serious. Next year I am going to be 30, and I am going to go out of my 20's looking like a sex goddess.

No more half-ass attempts at losing this fat suit, I am doing it. It has been written, and so it shall be done.

Right now I have 30-35kg to lose. Its going to take a lot of discipline and effort, but by God I am sick of being the fat one. I want to be the funny one, the smart one, even the bitchy one would be ok.

I've stopped recreational drinking. Unless its someone's birthday, you can get me a juice. (I'm committed, I tell you!) I also have a really hot trainer. He is nothing if not motivational.

This is what I'm aiming for:
Healthy, but still curvy. Wish me luck.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Don't get too excited...this might not last that long

So I just had lus to write now. I'm supposed to be doing work but this is part of being a WABber.

(WAB: work avoidance behaviour. Now you can all put a name to the disease that you've had for years. You're welcome.)

So this dude at a party on Saturday told me that when a man pulls up his pants he magically becomes a virgin again (read: you can tell when a woman has been around but not a man). Ja, I was surprised by this piece of news too. It would explain why most men, no matter how old they are, still don't know where the G-spot is. But let's cut them some slack ladies. I mean, if your memory of every sexual encounter was magically being erased every time you pulled up your pants, you'd struggle too I suppose. Oh wait, women would shower and change their outfit...nevermind.

So its really disturbing when you see pics on FB of people you have not seen in FOREVER (eg high school, university) who were super skinny and now are super fat. And I know its mean but I always end up thinking "Who ate all the pies? YOU ate all the pies!" (Disclaimer: I have never been exactly skinny, but I'm one of those people that gained weight since high school, so I think I'm allowed to say whatever I want about my people.)

So I want to buy property but not sure what to buy. Flat vs house. I want a dog, so there's that to consider. Also, I want it close enough to my work so that I can keep getting up at 7:30 without having to sacrifice my first born child to pay for it.

So all these thoughts have started with so....
That's it, was just saying.